How to lighten your hair, Cunningham-style*

Step one:
Wet hair thoroughly.

Step two:
Get out of the the shower and curse at the coldness of the room.

Step three:
Drip on the cat. This serves 2 purposes. 1. It amuses you and takes your mind off how cold you are. 2. It makes the cat run out of the bathroom by himself instead of you having to pick him up and getting cat fur stuck all over your wet body.

Step four:
Shut the cat out of the bathroom. If you don't, he'll decide the lemon juice you are spraying in your hair smells delicious and will try to lick your hair. He will then, of course, end up scratching you as you try to push him away. Then the lemon juice will drip down your neck and burn like a sonofabitch in that scratch.

Step five:
Spray lemon juice throughout your hair and comb through it with a fairly fine toothed comb. (If you feel it is necessary, be sure to curse any and all tangles that get caught in the comb. Luckily, lemon juice is pretty slippery and doesn't seem to make hair tangle. (maybe that's just cuz I have short, fine hair, but I used to get tangles like crazy, so use your best judgment. Curse if you think it will help.))

Step six:
Walk to the bedroom dripping water and lemon juice down to your towel cuz you didn't wring your hair out (or drip on the cat) enough. Remember to do that more thoroughly next time.

Step seven:
Blow dry your hair thoroughly as the heat is what activates the lemon's acid. Make sure you blow dry the cat a little too. He loves it, I promise......

Step eight:
Wait a few hours to get maximum effect and then shower again. Whether or not you wash your hair can actually be up to you, many people shampoo with lemon to avoid mineral buildup. Either way, be sure to condition since lemon can possibly dry out your hair. This can be combated with olive oil brushed on the roots, but then you run the risk of the cat licking you again.

Step nine:
Either repeat in a few days (don't try it everyday, remember the over-drying!) or say "Fuck it" and just get used to the color your hair is.

Optional Step ten:
Wait for your husband to get home and notice that your hair looks different. If he doesn't, spray lemon juice on him and see if he can sleep through the cat licking his nipples all night.

*Cunningham Style: I don't like chemicals on my head, my brain has enough problems. And I'm cheap... *ahem* economical.